Over time, the idea of masculinity has developed a very negative reputation. Feminist movements have shone a (long overdue and much-needed) light on certain men and their trauma-borne toxic tendencies. Toxic masculinity involves the glorification of unhealthy behaviours, like misogyny, homophobia and violent domination, and men in positions of power have been getting away with this kind of predatory behaviour for far too long.
But, are the Trump’s and the Tate’s representative of most men? Should we tarnish all masculinity with the same toxic brush? The focus has been on women, and rightly so, but I wonder: have we forgotten about men along the way?
Men are in the midst of a mental health crisis. Three out of four people who take their own life are men, two in five men say they feel worried or low on a regular basis and men are far less likely to ask for help when they are struggling. But how did we get here? And what can we do to get back on track again?
It’s a confusing time to be a man. As women, we don’t want to be told what to do, but we do want him to be able to take charge in certain situations. We want economic equality, but we prefer for him to pay. We want him to be our stable support system, but we also want him to emotionally express himself. We want him to be a hands-on soft play Latte Pappa, but he must be able to pay the bills, do the bins and fix the boiler too.
As a woman, these catch-22 situations feel eerily familiar to me. Like how we’re expected to look good, but not too good or we’re asking for it. To be nice, but not too nice or we’re a pushover. To speak up and have opinions, but not too many or we’re a bitch. Deja-bloody-vu! We know exactly what it feels like to never be able to quite win, so how can we all learn from this?
Men today are being pulled in two different directions, one which tells them to be strong, and one which tells them to be sensitive. They are being torn down the middle, and it’s the young ones I’m really worried about. ‘Manosphere’ movements are spreading through our secondary schools like wildfire – online communities against the empowerment of women – with Andrew Tate, the self-proclaimed misogynist, at the forefront. (‘Female self-defence is a joke. What the fuck are you going to do when your face is collapsed?’ He says, after pretending to punch a woman in the face.)
Intersectional feminists often frown upon the idea of masculinity. It’s argued that sex is biological, whilst gender is cultural and that a person’s gender can be different from their sex. Men and women should be able to be whoever they want to be and express themselves however they want to. This sounds great in theory, but I think many men feel alienated by these ideas which overlook the reality of what it is to be a man today and what society implicitly expects of you.
This popular feminist narrative is built on the premise that men’s innate masculinity is problematic, for the sake of being politically correct. This situation creates a perfect storm: our teenage boys are teeming with testosterone and this repressed part of themselves is finally allowed to be expressed through toxic figures like Tate. I don’t know about you, but if I try to conjure up the worst possible male role model for young boys in my mind, it looks exactly like Andrew Tate. Our boys are lost, and need real role models who can show them what a healthy version of masculinity looks like instead.
So, what does healthy masculinity look like? Ex-Eastenders actor Danny Dyer explored these issues recently in a Channel 4 documentary entitled ‘How to be a Man.’ Danny is known for playing hooligan, wide boy roles, but underneath that macho man exterior is really just a teddy bear who loves nothing more than a good cry and a cuddle with his family. Although the two part documentary just scratched the surface of these issues, for me, Danny himself stood out as the embodied moral of the story, showing that you can be stereotypically masculine, without being toxic.
Tennis player Andy Murray is another good example of a healthy male role model. He is an elite sportsman, a fierce competitor on the court, but calls out sexism as and when he sees it, acts as an ambassador for women and credits the women in his life for his success.
These men serve as great reminders that a man’s masculinity in and of itself, isn’t necessarily toxic. When we celebrate all that being a man entails, men are less likely to feel ashamed of who they innately are, and hopefully will be more likely to engage in discussions which can support their mental health, and which will ultimately help detoxify masculinity once and for all.
I have a 21 year old son and I think this discussion is sorely needed. How do we support our sons, partners, friends and fathers to be the men they want to be? How do we open up the discussion about healthy masculinity?
I agree with Leanna that men’s experience of the patriarchy is a valuable conversation - as I think if we root down into it - there are lots if reasons it does not benefit them. And it is hard to write about it as it is one of those complex topics! My personal experience is that women dont hate men or masculinity - it is that the way men express that in our culture comes at the expense of women or causes harm to women. And men are often unwilling to become aware of that let alone change the behaviour. Thank you for this piece 🙏🏻